149
Continued from previous page…
SUFFY
I’m sorry if
I startled you.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, what the fuck,
Elvira.. You scared
poor Kathy half to death.
She’s easily spooked, ya’ know.
She’s experienced a lot of
scary shit in her life. What’s
the matter with you?
SUFFY
I was just having
a little fun…
I guess I wasn’t thinking.
CHARLOTTE
Having a little fun, huh?
At our expense?
SUFFY
Well, you guys are big
stars… It’s more fun
with big-time celebrities.
CHARLOTTE
Oh, I see.. You’re trying
to get back at us, in some
sense, because we’ve made
it this far in show business?
What are you, jealous or
something?
SUFFY
As a matter of fact,
I am.
Charlotte
accepts this
in stride.
CHARLOTTE
Well, hey..
At least you’re honest
about it.. I appreciate
that… I guess I would
be too.
There is
a pause
in the action.
SUFFY
Your episode didn’t
last very long.
Charlotte
glares at her.
CHARLOTTE
No… No, it didn’t.
(pauses)
Well, at least we’re back
to the matter at hand…
How do you know about
my condition, Suffy?
And tell me the truth this time…
No more werewolf
bullshit about bullets not
affecting you.
SUFFY
(lightly teasing)
I know everything.
CHARLOTTE
Oh, get the fuck outta’ here!
You’re not a damn witch,
Suffy! Or a werewolf! Quit
playin’ games with me.
Kathy told you, didn’t she?
SUFFY
Kathy did not tell me.
CHARLOTTE
Then how do you know?
SUFFY
Look… I understand the
whole.. witch thing.. is just
a title.. I’ll admit that to you.
Although, don’t spread that
around. It could ruin my image.
CHARLOTTE
(rolls her eyes)
Your show-business secret
is safe with me, Suff.
SUFFY
But, I do possess psychic
energy.. I’ve had it since
I was a kid.
CHARLOTTE
(barely buying it)
Okay, what does that mean?
SUFFY
It means I can feel vibrations
coming from a person’s body.
I can sense when a person is
not in harmony with their
spiritual well-being.
CHARLOTTE
Oh, that is the biggest crock
of bullshit I’ve…
SUFFY
(cutting her off)
No, it’s not! It’s real.
CHARLOTTE
And you sense that
about me?
SUFFY
Yes, I do.
Charlotte acts
impulsively.
CHARLOTTE
Okay.. what number
am I thinking of..
one through ten?
SUFFY
(annoyed)
Don’t be stupid.
CHARLOTTE
What did you
say to me?!!
SUFFY
I’ve told you a million
times, it doesn’t work
that way! … I’m not some
phony-ass magician doing
parlor tricks!
Charlotte is
humbled.
CHARLOTTE
Okay, okay..
I deserve that.
SUFFY
I’m sorry I ..
raised my voice
to you.
CHARLOTTE
It’s okay…
I get a dose of
that every day.
There is a
brief pause.
CHARLOTTE
Okay.. so tell me…
How do these vibrations equate
to my split personality?
How does my disharmony..
lead you to this conclusion?
SUFFY
Well… I have to admit…
I sort of cheated in that
department.
CHARLOTTE
Cheated?
Oh, please.. do tell…
This is getting more
fascinating by the second.
SUFFY
I’ve been talking to
Jane and Belinda…
CHARLOTTE
(cuts her off)
Oh, God, here we go!!
My two favorite
people in the whole world.
This has got to be good…
Please.. tell me.. what does
Batman and Robin have to
say about me?!
Suffy pauses
a few seconds
to let Charlotte
calm down.
SUFFY
They merely said…
that you haven’t been
yourself lately…
That you’re nice one
minute.. and then you’re..
mean as a snake the next.
CHARLOTTE
(irritated)
Really?
They said that?
SUFFY
Yes, they did.
CHARLOTTE
Aren’t you.. violating
your code of ethics by
telling me this?
SUFFY
Not in this case.
CHARLOTTE
Why not?
SUFFY
Because it was just
casual conversation…
We weren’t undergoing
any type of counseling
when they told me this.
CHARLOTTE
This is bullshit.
SUFFY
Charlotte, they’re worried
about you… They love you.
Charlotte
doesn’t know
what to say.
She just stares
back with her
mouth open.
CHARLOTTE
(regaining herself)
I still don’t understand how
this led you to believe that
I have a split personality.
You said you cheated…
Just exactly how did you
do this?
SUFFY
I just put it all together…
Between what they told me..
and what I sensed about you…
and the fact that you wanted
me to find you a hypnotist…
I just put two and two
together.
Charlotte
is somewhat
satisfied and
impressed.
CHARLOTTE
So.. you’re the
witch detective…
That would make a
good television show.
SUFFY
(smiling)
You wanna set that
up for me?
CHARLOTTE
(smiling back)
Maybe I will.
There is a
moment of
discovery.
CHARLOTTE
(humbly)
Look.. Suffy…
I’m sorry about all the
things I’ve ever said
about you… or right to
your face for that matter…
If I’ve ever
offended you.. I’m sorry.
Suffy is
satisfied
with this.
SUFFY
It’s okay, Char..
Don’t worry about it…
The most important thing
is for you to get healthy.
Charlotte
has found
a new friend.
CHARLOTTE
You know.. you have the
most amazing disposition…
Nothing ever seems to
bother you… Everything
just rolls off your back…
How do you do it?
You’re like a guy.
SUFFY
Well.. thank you…
I think.
There is
more silence.
Charlotte is
forlorn.
CHARLOTTE
Can you help me?
SUFFY
Not me, personally…
You need the proper
medicine and intense
therapy.
CHARLOTTE
That shit’s not working.
SUFFY
What’s not working?
Which part?
CHARLOTTE
The medicine.
SUFFY
What about the therapy?
Charlotte
does not
want to
confess.
CHARLOTTE
I’m not taking
any therapy.
SUFFY
What?!!
Oh, Charlotte, honey,
you’ve got to go through
therapy.. It’s the most
important part… You’re
never gonna get better if
you don’t do it…
Why?
Why aren’t you taking
therapy?
CHARLOTTE
I have my reasons.
SUFFY
But.. I can’t believe you can
cope with this condition..
It must be agonizing… I would
think that the only thing on
your mind would be to get rid
of this thing and be done with
it… What could possibly be
the reasons for you not
receiving therapy?
Charlotte
develops a
baleful glint
in her eye.
CHARLOTTE
I think now is the time
for one of your counseling
sessions.
Charlotte
spreads a
malevolent
grin—
Now it’s
Suffy’s turn
to be terrified.