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Myles and Belinda had talked enough. As their final sentences started trailing off into relative obscurity, they both could sense what was about to happen. Myles swallowed one last time before he dove in on his plump and bodacious booty. Their lips locked just long enough for their tongues to flicker back and forth; A delectable sign of what was going to happen next. Myles feverishly unclasped the top two buttons of her blouse and pushed up her bra to reveal her succulent breast and nipple. He put his mouth on them and ran his tongue over her sweet, smooth flesh before moving down below her waist. Belinda’s vagina exploded with cream as Myles yanked down her pants and off of her body…
Oh, my.
I think I’d better stop right here.
After all, this is a family Soap Opera.
MEANWHILE, OVER AT GINA’S HOUSE IN UNIVERSAL CITY…
JANE
Hey, I heard you and Belinda
were lighting your farts on fire.
GINA
Yeah, it was awesome.
JANE
Did it really work?
GINA
Yeah, it worked.
JANE
I mean— Did it come shooting
out like a blowtorch, or…?
GINA
No, it just sort of flames up
for a few seconds and then
that’s it.
JANE
How do you know when
it’s time to fart?
GINA
What do you mean—
how do you know?
When it’s time, it’s time.
We kept a lighter nearby
for when it came.
JANE
Well, I mean—
Did you guys prepare?
I mean— Did you guys
eat a certain type of food,
or…
GINA
Well, yeah, we ate a certain
type of food.. But we didn’t
plan on it.. It’s not like we
said to each other, “Hey, let’s
eat a bunch of junk food and
light our farts on fire.” Jeez, Jane,
how immature do you think
we are?
JANE
Well, what did you eat?
GINA
We ordered a bunch of Chili-Dogs
and Cheese Fries from The Gaseous
Pup and brought em’ back to Belinda’s
house. Then, it was just a matter of time.
JANE
Oh, I see.
GINA
Why? Do you
wanna try it?
JANE
No, I…
GINA
You sound like you
wanna try it.
JANE
No, Gina. I don’t wanna
burn my ass. Or my kooch.
GINA
You’re not gonna burn
your kooch. You leave your
pants on.. Jeez, Jane, don’t
you know anything?
JANE
Well, I don’t have
to fart, anyway.
GINA
How can you not
have to fart?
JANE
Because I eat normal
food, Gina. I don’t eat
Chili-Dogs and Cheese Fries,
okay? I eat vegetables like a
normal person.
GINA
If you ate broccoli, you’d
be fartin’ up a storm.
JANE
Well, I didn’t eat
any today, okay?
GINA
Suit yourself…
Besides.. who you tryin’
to kid? I see you eat junk
food all the time. Just like
the rest of us.
JANE
Well, I’ve been changing
my diet lately. I’ve been
eating a lot better lately.
GINA
Yeah, right…
I remember when you were
beggin’ Charlotte to help you
out with your diet. She tried
everything to help you and you
didn’t want to be helped.
JANE
That was three years ago.
I’ve changed since then.
GINA
Okay, okay…
You’ve changed into
someone who wants to
light her farts on fire.
JANE
Can we please change
the subject?!
GINA
You brought it up.
JANE
I mean— into
something more mature.
GINA
Like what?
JANE
Hey, I got it!
Let’s make some pot brownies!
GINA
Alright!
Now you’re talkin’ business!
You’re really smart, Jane!
JIM GAFFIGAN’S INNER VOICE:
This guy talks about lighting farts on fire way too much…
That’s just silly… I’m sorry I ever became a fan…
MEANWHILE, OVER AT KATHY’S HOUSE IN BRENTWOOD…
Kathy is sitting cross-legged on the floor,
eating Mike N’ Ikes and watching
Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. She is
wearing her pajamas because she is on
vacation.
MEANWHILE, OVER AT CHARLOTTE’S HOUSE IN MALIBU…
Charlotte is nervously drumming her fingers
on her desk. She is wondering what Kathy is
up to. She has a pretty good idea as she reaches
over and grabs the phone. She dials Kathy’s
number.
MEANWHILE BACK AT KATHY’S HOUSE IN BRENTWOOD…
Kathy hears the phone ring. She continues to
stare straight ahead, fixing her gaze on the
television set and sliding another Mike N’ Ike
into her mouth.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT CHARLOTTE’S HOUSE IN MALIBU…
CHARLOTTE
Come on, Kathy, I know
what you are doing…
MEANWHILE, BACK AT KATHY’S HOUSE IN BRENTWOOD…
Kathy continues to ignore the phone ringing, until
her trance is broken and she pops back into reality.
KATHY
Dammit!
She goes over
and picks up
the phone.
KATHY
Hello?
CHARLOTTE
Hey!
It’s about time!
KATHY
Who is this?
CHARLOTTE
It’s me!! Charlotte!
Who do think it is?!
KATHY
Oh.. sorry, bud.
CHARLOTTE
You sound a little
disoriented.
KATHY
No, I’m fine.
CHARLOTTE
Uh-huh…
What are you doing?
KATHY
Nothing.
CHARLOTTE
You must be
doing something.
KATHY
No.
CHARLOTTE
Uh-huh…
You’re eating candy and watching
Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood
again, aren’t you?
KATHY
No, I’m not.
CHARLOTTE
Yes, you are.
Don’t lie to me.
KATHY
Honestly, Charlotte.
I’m just.. uh..
CHARLOTTE
What’s Lady Aberlin doing?
KATHY
She’s not on today.
CHARLOTTE
AHA!!
I caught you!!
Kathy is
busted.
KATHY
Alright, alright..
But I like Scientist Alder..
and Barney The Owl..
And later on, Mister Rogers
is gonna show us how to
plant petunias.
CHARLOTTE
Kathy..
Listen to me.
Listen to me…
You don’t need some kiddie
character to show you how to
plant petunias, okay? I can show
you how to do it on my own, okay?
KATHY
But the trolley is gonna
deliver the mail…
CHARLOTTE
Kathy, stop it!!
You need to stop
this right now!
KATHY
Okay.
CHARLOTTE
Are you eating candy?
KATHY
Yes.
CHARLOTTE
Hot Tamales?
KATHY
Mike N’ Ikes.
CHARLOTTE
Throw them away.
Right now.
KATHY
But, I like candy, too.
We all do…
Remember when we used to talk
about living in Willy Wonka’s
Chocolate Factory.. The five of us..
And we’d push Gina into the
chocolate river?
CHARLOTTE
Yes, I remember, sweetie..
But that was a long time ago…
We’re grown-ass women now, okay?
There is no chocolate factory.
KATHY
I don’t like
getting older.
CHARLOTTE
That’s fine, honey…
Look.. forget all that.
I need you to come to
work tomorrow.
KATHY
No way.
I’m on vacation.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, well, I’m rescinding
your vacation time.
KATHY
You can’t do that.
CHARLOTTE
Yes, I can!
I’m the boss!
KATHY
You’re not really the boss, Char.
You just think you are because
we put you in charge.. and you
make all the money for us…
CHARLOTTE
And what else do
you call the boss?
KATHY
(contemplates)
Good point.
CHARLOTTE
Come on, Kathy.
I have some important business
things I want to discuss with you.
KATHY
Oh, really?
CHARLOTTE
Yes, really. Why would you
question such a thing?
KATHY
Are you sure you want to
discuss important business
things.. or try and find out how
Belinda escaped from the
mental institution?
CHARLOTTE
You’re implying that you
know all the juicy details.
KATHY
Maybe I do and
maybe I don’t.
CHARLOTTE
Oh, that’s real mature.
KATHY
(sings)
You can’t make me..
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha…
CHARLOTTE
I can make you.
KATHY
You and what army?
CHARLOTTE
I can make you come to
work tomorrow… I can
make you want to come to
work tomorrow.
KATHY
Oh, really?
How?
CHARLOTTE
(dramatic pause)
Kathy.. Do you remember a
childhood book named—
Harold and the Purple Crayon?
Uh-oh.
Purple is the trigger
word that puts Kathy
into a hypnotic state.
KATHY
Oh, I love that book…
That was one of my
favorites.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, I thought
it might be.
Kathy begins to
stare off into space.
KATHY
I always wanted to have
a magic crayon like that.
CHARLOTTE
(triumphant)
Kathy…
How did Belinda get out
of the mental hospital?
KATHY
She went through
a garbage chute.
CHARLOTTE
Excuse me?
KATHY
Yeah, Gina dressed up like a
doctor… and then she forgot
her disguise… and then Gina
threw Belinda down a laundry
chute.
Kathy has got
everything wrong.
CHARLOTTE
(confused)
And they just walked
out one of the doors?
KATHY
Yup.. They just walked..
And then— whoop—
right out one of the doors.
CHARLOTTE
Interesting.
KATHY
And then Gina got
in an accident.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, I heard about that..
I saw it on the news.
KATHY
She might be in
jail right now.
CHARLOTTE
That would be
on the news too.
KATHY
Yeah, it would…
Ya’ know.. We’re
really famous… We’re
all over the news.
CHARLOTTE
Unfortunately, that’s
true, Sweetheart…
And how do you know
all these things, Kath?
KATHY
Because they came
over to my house…
We had a party and everything…
And Belinda got eaten by a dog.
CHARLOTTE
You’re hallucinating, honey.
KATHY
Oh, no, I’m not…
She ran outta’ the house…
and she climbed the wall…
and she jumped into the
neighbor’s yard… and she got
attacked by my neighbor’s
guard dogs… It was scary
as fuck.
CHARLOTTE
(in disbelief)
What goes on with you guys
when I’m not around?
KATHY
You’re missing out on
all the fun, Char.
CHARLOTTE
I am missing out on
all the fun.
KATHY
That’s because you’re
The Corporate Cunt.
CHARLOTTE
What?!!!
KATHY
You’re The Corporate Cunt…
That’s what we nicknamed you.
CHARLOTTE
Oh, for God’s sake.
KATHY
Because all you care about is
control.. and making money..
and being uptight.. and looking
good.. and..
CHARLOTTE
Alright, alright, Kathy!!!
I get the picture…
Geez, Louise. First, you
guys call me Miss Priss..
and now this… Is there any
other nicknames you guys
got for me?
KATHY
No, that’s it.
Charlotte is beginning
to realize that Kathy’s
hypnotic honesty was a
little more than she
bargained for.
CHARLOTTE
Just.. come to work
tomorrow, okay?
KATHY
Sure, Charlotte!
I’d love to come to work
tomorrow! I love making
our company just grow and
grow and grow and grow…
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Just be there tomorrow.
Nine A.M. Sharp.