107
Continued from previous page…
CHARLOTTE
(in despair)
Oh, Kathy, this is
not gonna be easy.
KATHY
(sympathetic)
I know.. I know, honey.
CHARLOTTE
I mean.. how can I pretend to
have feelings for this guy? How
can I pull that off?
KATHY
Well.. maybe he’ll give you a
break in the beginning… Just
tell him you’ll need some time
to get used to the idea… If he
loves you, maybe he’ll understand.
CHARLOTTE
I hope so.
KATHY
Can I ask you a question?
How did he fall for you, anyway?
I thought he was only after
your money?
CHARLOTTE
He said he’d been in love with me
ever since he saw us on
American Bandstand.
KATHY
American Bandstand? You mean
the one where Dickhead Clark
couldn’t keep any of our names
straight?
CHARLOTTE
Yup.
KATHY
Charlotte, that was, like, five years
ago… That was before we even
started our T.V. show.
CHARLOTTE
I know.
KATHY
Boy, it sure takes him a while
to make his first move.
CHARLOTTE
I’m sure it didn’t work like that, Kath.
I didn’t have money back then… And
you don’t just kidnap someone out of
impulse… I’m sure there’s a little
planning involved… And you certainly
don’t come up with a body-double
out of thin air… I’m sure that takes
a little planning also.
KATHY
I can see why he fell for you.
You looked hot that day.
CHARLOTTE
That’s what everyone
always tells me.
KATHY
It was the way they did your
hair.. And the makeup…
It was perfect.
CHARLOTTE
Wonderful… Now I got
a looney after me.
KATHY
He is good looking.
CHARLOTTE
You honestly think that matters?
KATHY
No.
There is a brief moment of
silence. Kathy has been
understandably apprehensive
about broaching the following
subject, but now feels she can’t
hold out any longer.
KATHY
Ya know, Charlotte… you’ve been
here for a couple of months now…
Has he tried…?
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, he’s tried… But, he hasn’t
gotten very far… I wouldn’t let him.
KATHY
Gotten very far?
CHARLOTTE
Yeah.. there was one
time, he… he…
KATHY
He forced you to give
him a knob diddle?
CHARLOTTE
Forced me to give him a knob..
WHAT?!! Kathy, what the fuck
is wrong with you?! A knob diddle..?!
Ya know, Kathy.. perhaps NOW is
not the time for your special blend
of humor, okay?!
KATHY
I was just trying to
finish your sentence!
CHARLOTTE
Well, I wasn’t going
to say that… okay?
KATHY
(trying to hold back her laughter)
Okay, I’m sorry…
Go ahead, finish your
train of thought.
CHARLOTTE
(glaring at Kathy)
I was going to say… I did
kiss him once.
KATHY
Eww, you kissed him?
CHARLOTTE
(mockingly)
“Eww, you kissed him?!!”
That’s what you’ve got to say?!
After you accuse me of giving
him a knob diddle — whatever
that is — that’s your response?!
“Eww, you kissed him?”
KATHY
(laughing, coughing)
I’m sorry… I was just
responding to what you said.
CHARLOTTE
(continuing to glare)
Ya know, Kathy… could you just
tone it down every once in a while?
Please? For me? Could you do that?
KATHY
I’ll try… (pauses)
So, what made you feel that
you needed to kiss him?
CHARLOTTE
For the same reason
you came up with.
KATHY
(confused)
I don’t get it.
CHARLOTTE
To buy myself some more time!
I figured… if I kiss him… maybe
that will keep him satisfied
for a while… You know what
I’m saying?
KATHY
Yeah, I get it… That was good
thinking. That’s what I thought
about the marriage thing.
(pauses)
Did it work?
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, it worked… For a while…
And then, he…
KATHY
He?
CHARLOTTE
If you say the words “knob diddle”
again, I will come over there and
punch you in the face!!
KATHY
I wasn’t going to!!
CHARLOTTE
What the fuck is that, anyway?!
Some kind of a blow job or
something?!
KATHY
(laughing again)
Just the knob part.
Oh, what a marvelous reality
show this would make.
The Go-Go’s uncensored.
Can you imagine?
CHARLOTTE
(shaking her head)
Unbelievable… You are unbelievable…
You are not being funny right
now, Kathy. You know that? At this
moment, you are not being funny.
KATHY
I’m not?
CHARLOTTE
(trying to hold it back)
No, you’re not.
KATHY
Then why are you laughing?
CHARLOTTE
I’m not laughing.
KATHY
Yes, you are.
CHARLOTTE
I’m remembering something
from my past… Something
else that was funny.
KATHY
Oh, I see. Okay. You just
don’t want to admit it.
CHARLOTTE
Should we get on with
the unpleasantries?
KATHY
What do you mean?
CHARLOTTE
Should I call Mikkos in here
and tell him the good news?
KATHY
(suddenly getting serious)
No… You know what, Charlotte?
Not just yet… I have some more
things I want to discuss with you.