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Continued from previous page…
KATHY
We really are
awesome, aren’t we?
JANE
(sniffling)
Yeah, we are…
People really love us.
I know that in my heart
now after all these years…
I can’t believe how much
fan mail we get… Mr. Kronwall
told me we get more than
anyone else at the network.
KATHY
I love it so much,
I cry myself to
sleep every night.
JANE
Do you really?
KATHY
Mmm-hmm, every night…
I love how much joy we
bring into people’s hearts…
I mean— sure— Charlotte
may have ordered a homicide—
but, all in all,
we’re really a fun bunch.
JANE
(sitting up)
What do you mean, Charlotte
may have ordered a homicide?
KATHY
(ready to explain)
Remember what you told
me in Belinda’s bathroom
on the day we discovered
the body? How you overheard
Charlotte’s phone conversation
with Rocco? How you think
there might be a connection?
JANE
Yeah?
KATHY
I think you may be
right… It’s too much
of a coincidence.
JANE
So you think
so too?!
KATHY
Yup.
JANE
I knew it !!
I knew something
didn’t add up! That’s why
I looked under the sheets!
KATHY
You mean, you weren’t
just looking at his pecker?
JANE
NO !!
Kathy, come on, I’ve seen
enough peckers in my
life to sink a ship… No!
I was checking for blood
stains, or knife wounds,
or something like that.
I called Gina over just
to make it look good.
KATHY
Were there any?
JANE
Nope… Clean as a whistle.
No marks of any kind…
And just for the record…
He did have a pretty nice pecker.
KATHY
So what do you
think he died of?
JANE
You got me…
Other than the prevailing
theory that he died from
a cocaine overdose, the
only thing I can think of
would be strangulation…
And that would pretty much
take Charlotte off the list of
suspects. She could hardly
strangle anyone.
KATHY
But there were no bruise
marks around his neck, either.
You know, none of those
nasty, purple and brown
marks of any kind. Nothing.
JANE
Yeah, you’re right…
His whole body was
clean. There wasn’t any
cocaine residue anywhere
on his face or anything…
And no blood coming
out of his nose.
KATHY
I don’t get it…
What the hell
did he die from?
JANE
OH! I know!
What about electric shock?
That would leave no marks!
Do you know anything
about electric shocks?!
KATHY
Other than the kind of therapy
we all need for burying a dead
guy in our back yard? No.
JANE
What about drowning?
KATHY
Yeah, that’s always a possibility…
DAMMIT !! We’re never gonna
figure this thing out!
They both sit
there and ponder
for a moment.
Then, Jane says
something totally
out of the blue.
JANE
And what about
that bracelet?
EUREKA!!
Jane has
hit on something!
KATHY
What did you say?
JANE
I said, what
about that bracelet.
KATHY
Yeah, yeah,
the bracelet!
JANE
What are you
getting at?
KATHY
(positing)
Jane… have you
noticed anything
unusual about
Charlotte lately?
JANE
Uh, YEAH!
Like convincing us to
bury a dead body in our
back yard?!
I’d say that’s pretty unusual!
KATHY
Exactly…
That’s not like her, is it?!
JANE
No, it’s not…
She’s not the same
person anymore and
it’s breaking my heart.
KATHY
Have you noticed
anything else?
JANE
What do you mean?
KATHY
I mean… Haven’t you
noticed she looks a
little different, too?
JANE
Hmm… yeah, maybe…
Come to think of it..
her eyes do look a little
different lately…
A little more.. shut.
KATHY
I’ve noticed that too…
And what about
her chin?
JANE
Her chin?
KATHY
Yeah!
Don’t you think it
looks a little
more… puffy?
JANE
Puffy?
KATHY
Yeah, ya’ know,
like a Puffer Fish?
JANE
A little bit.. yeah.
KATHY
And we’re talkin’ about
someone who is obsessed
with being non-puffy.
JANE
I was gonna say..
Go ahead and call
Charlotte a Puffer Fish.
I dare ya.’
KATHY
Precisely, my dear Jane.
JANE
Alright, Sherlock, what
are you getting at?
KATHY
I don’t know, but I’m sure
as hell gonna find out.
JANE
What are you gonna do?
KATHY
Like you said, I’m gonna go
ahead and ask her about the bracelet…
And then I’m gonna ask her
about a few other things as well.
JANE
And just how are you going
to go about this?
KATHY
I don’t know yet…
Let me think.
(extended pause)
Oh! I got it!
I’ll go visit her in her office!
JANE
Huh?
KATHY
Yeah! I’ll stop by
her office one of these
nights and I’ll confront her.
JANE
What are you gonna say?
What’s your strategy?
KATHY
I don’t know.. Let me see.
(another extended pause)
Oh !! I got it !! I’ll start out
by saying that I want to talk about business…
Then, I’ll slowly ease into things.. Ya’ know,
get her all buttered up and then— Wham!!
I’ll hit her with the hard stuff! Ooh, this will
be fun! I can act like a total bitch. Like some
chick right out of a soap opera… This will get
me all primed for “Dallas.”
JANE
Kathy, you’re not
gonna get that
role on “Dallas.”
KATHY
Why not?
JANE
CBS is not gonna
let you have two
shows at the same time.
KATHY
Yes, they will.
They do it all the time.
JANE
Doubtful.
KATHY
Well, never mind that, anyway.
We’ve got bigger things to
worry about. We’ve got to
figure out what’s wrong
with our keyboardist.
JANE
I still don’t understand why
you don’t just call her on the
phone. Then I can listen in on
the other line in your bedroom.
Why do you have to go to
her office?
KATHY
Because this requires a face-to-face
showdown. I have to break down
her will. I can only do that by
confronting her. Besides, I told
you— I want to act out the part.
Jane smiles
and shakes
her head at
Kathy’s plan.
JANE
I still don’t
understand
what you’re trying
to find out?
KATHY
The truth about
the big picture.
JANE
What big picture?
Kathy pauses
for a moment
before unleashing
her final hypothesis.
KATHY
Jane…
Let me ask you something.
JANE
Yeah?
KATHY
Why did we get
Charlotte to handle
all of our finances?
JANE
Well.. because she’s good at investing.
And she’s more trustworthy than
anyone else. It seemed to be the safe
move. She’s made a ton of money
for us, Kathy, you can’t deny that.
Plus, all of our houses that she paid for.
Let’s face it, we’re rich as fuck
because of her.
KATHY
Do you think she would ever
steal from us?
JANE
No, I don’t think she would
ever steal from us. How can
you say that? That’s my
Charling you’re talking about.
KATHY
Exactly. It’s preposterous
to even think about.
JANE
Kathy, what are
you driving at?
KATHY
Don’t ya’ see, Jane?
The bracelet?
The weird behavior?
The different looks?
Don’t you get it?
JANE
No, I don’t…
You’ve got me
all mixed up.
KATHY
Well, brace yourself, buster…
Cuz’ I’m about to lay down a
theory on you that is absolutely
going to blow your mind to pieces.
JANE
Oh, jeez… What is it?
KATHY
I don’t think
that’s our Charlotte.
JANE
WHAT?!!!
KATHY
Jane…
I think Charlotte’s
been kidnapped!
Intense music:
DAH-DAH-DAH-DAHHHH!!