143
Continued from page 32…
Sunday, July 26th, 1987, 1:03 A.M.
As he trudged his weary legs up the stairs towards his office above the hardware store, Jonas Sieganthaler realized that he was coming to a crossroad in his life. At fifty-seven years of age, he started to come to the conclusion that it might be time to hang up the ol’ magnifying glass and Sherlock Holmes hat, and call it a day. Was he the retiring type, he wondered? Maybe not. After all, he got into this business because he was drawn to the excitement and the lure of intrigue that surrounded every aspect of the trade. Drawn to the prospect of meeting people like Jane, and getting sucked into their juicy, celebrity lifestyle.
Besides, where would he retire to? Florida? Like every other old fogey?
Yuck. No, thanks.
As he turned the corner at the top of the stairs and headed towards his office door, all of that thought immediately went out the window. He had business to attend to and didn’t want to cloud his head with any sort of depressing images of becoming old and useless. It was late and he wanted to go home, but couldn’t shake the mental picture from his mind of Jane dressed in her trench-coat, hat, and sunglasses, looking like some kind of a bygone actress from the fifties, and starring in a classic, noir film from that era.
It was exactly the sort of thing he didn’t want to retire from. It was priceless.
And so, with that in mind, he decided to act his part every bit as much as Jane did. He decided he was going to go into his office, pour himself a glass of whiskey, prop his feet up on the desk, and act like the typical, hard-boiled, private dick he was always meant to be.
The door to his office also captured the essence of this archetypal scenario as well as everything else. It was a thick, brown, wooden door, with a window that covered the top half, and blinds that shielded the inside from any curious onlookers. He even had his name and title printed on the window in bold, black lettering.
He was all set for business in Los Angeles.
He unlocked the door and closed it behind him before turning on the lights. He sensed there was something wrong in the room as he peered around in the darkness. He gazed at what appeared to be a silhouette in the moonlight coming in from the far window. Jonas walked over to his desk and turned on his desk lamp. He immediately saw what any man’s nightmares could possibly consist of:
There was a person sitting in the chair beside his desk.
His heart leapt into his throat.
JONAS
OH, JEZZUS !!!
What the fuck?!!!
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Hello, Jonas.
JONAS
What the hell are you
doing here?!!! What
are you doing?!!! How
did you get in here?!!
MYSTERIOUS MAN
You gave me a
key, remember?
JONAS
Well, that was obviously
a mistake… I can’t believe
I let you talk me into that one.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Those were the
conditions.
JONAS
It’s one-o’clock in the
fucking morning.. Don’t you
have anything better to do?
Like be at home in bed?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
I couldn’t wait until
tomorrow.
JONAS
It’s already tomorrow…
And I thought I told you
I don’t work on Sundays.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Petty complications,
my friend. Petty
complications… Did you
have your meeting with
Miss Wiedlin?
JONAS
Yeah…
Yeah, I met her.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
And what did
you find?
JONAS
I ‘found’ that she’s every bit
as pretty in real life as she
is on television.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Is that supposed to
be amusing?
JONAS
I don’t give a fuck if
you think it’s amusing
or not.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
My, my, such hostility.
JONAS
The hostility comes from you
letting yourself into my office
and scaring the shit out of me…
Is that good enough for you?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Fair enough.
JONAS
Don’t do it again.
There is a
pause in the
action.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Did you find out
anything about ‘her’?
JONAS
(smugly)
Who?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
You know who I’m
referring to.
JONAS
(smart-aleck like)
Charlotte Caffey?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Precisely.
JONAS
(kicking-back)
Nope…
No, I didn’t…
Not a damn thing.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Then what
good are you?
JONAS
You didn’t let
me finish.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Very well.
JONAS
(leans forward)
When I informed Miss Wiedlin..
that Kathy Valentine was the
one who hired Mr. Khudobin…
her eyes lit up like a
Christmas tree.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Oh, really?
JONAS
Mmm-hmm…
She didn’t appear to
know anything about it.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Perhaps she’s putting you
on… She is an actress,
isn’t she?
JONAS
I don’t think so.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
And why do
you say that?
JONAS
Because I’ve been around
the block a few thousand
times… I can tell when
someone’s putting on an
act or not… That’s part of
my job.
There is
another
pause.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
I see…
You know.. Just out of
curiosity… What about the
other two? Carlisle and Schock?
Did their names ever come
up in the conversation?
JONAS
Just briefly…
I would say they don’t know
anything about the matter,
either… As far as I can tell..
they’re just two, normal,
intelligent women.
MEANWHILE.. BACK AT BELINDA’S
PALATIAL ESTATE IN BEVERLY HILLS…
BELINDA
Hey.. is it true what they say?
That you can light your
farts on fire?
GINA
Fuck, yeah, man.
Your farts got
methane in em.’
BELINDA
You wanna give
it a try?
GINA
Why? You gotta’ fart?
BELINDA
Hell, yeah.. We just ate
those chili-dogs. I’m
cuttin’ some serious cheese
over here.
GINA
Alright, cool..
Lemme’ go get a lighter!
MEANWHILE.. BACK AT JONAS
SIEGANTHALER’S OFFICE…
MYSTERIOUS MAN
And how does Miss Wiedlin’s
surprise reflect on Charlotte
Caffey?
JONAS
I’m not sure…
I have my theories.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Please, reveal them.
JONAS
I think she screwed up..
Inadvertently.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
In what way?
JONAS
Well…
After I revealed to her that
Kathy Valentine hired Anton
Khudobin.. which led to her
subsequent gasping of air…
She proceeded to pace back
and forth along the pier..
whispering to herself.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
And you caught some
of this whispering?
JONAS
I did.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Continue.
JONAS
She said something along
the lines of—
“Who could Kathy be
investigating? Could it be
Charlotte? Noooo!”
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Aha, now we’re
getting someplace.
JONAS
Yeah, that revealed
a lot.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
So, what’s your conclusion
from all of this?
JONAS
Hard to say, exactly…
My guess is that Kathy
Valentine hired this man to
investigate Charlotte Caffey
directly… Perhaps Miss
Caffey controls the finances
in the band, and.. she suspected
Charlotte of some kind of
wrongdoing… After all.. she
did try and swindle money from
you over at the bank, didn’t she?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
In a manner
of speaking.
JONAS
Mmm-hmm…
So! …
If this is true… And my
theories are correct…
I’d say that your Charlotte
Caffey is one, naughty,
little girl.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Excellent…
Excellent…
We need to get her on
something more than
embezzlement though…
That’s too easy to cover up…
We need something more.
JONAS
You disappoint me,
my good sir.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
What do you mean?
JONAS
This man is dead..
Okay? … Khudobin..
This man is dead…
People don’t go missing
for over a year and don’t
wash up on a beach somewhere..
You know what I’m saying?
MYSTERIOUS MAN
You think she’s capable
of murder?
JONAS
Probably not…
Not her, anyway.
Mysterious
man waits
for more.
JONAS
Look… Charlotte Caffey is a
powerful business woman..
She has a complete security
staff and plenty of bodyguards.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
And you think one of
them might have killed him?
JONAS
That’s my guess…
I think she found out that
she was being investigated..
Either by herself– or by a
member of her security
staff— And pow!
This man will come floating
up on a beach somewhere.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Yes!! Yes!!
We’ve got her!
JONAS
Of course.. this isn’t going
to be easy to prove… I’m
going to need some more
information… I might have
to have another meeting with
Jane Wiedlin.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
Then do it.. By all means,
do it.. What are you waiting for?
JONAS
It might not be that easy…
She might have realized that
she screwed up big-time…
Once she goes home and realizes
that she brought a third party
into the mix.. she’ll probably
refuse to see me again.
MYSTERIOUS MAN
So.. you’re insinuating that
she might know about
everything… The embezzlement?
The murder?
JONAS
You wanna know the truth?
My guess is that all five of
these kooky broads knows
about everything… I think
we can bring down the whole
bunch.
Mysterious Man
is extremely
pleased.
JONAS
One thing is for
sure though…
I’d say that Jane Wiedlin is
in serious hot water with
the rest of her band.