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Continued from previous page…
CHARLOTTE
That’s not funny.
KATHY
You don’t even know what
I’m about to say.
CHARLOTTE
Well, Kathy, ya’ know, in normal
situations.. I might think that was
funny… But, considering the things
we’ve been discussing here.. I get
the feeling that what you’re about
to tell me is not going to be
very amusing.
KATHY
You’re right, it’s not… In fact, it’s
definitely the dumbest thing we’ve
ever done.. by far.
CHARLOTTE
And that’s saying a lot.
KATHY
That’s saying a whole
hell of a lot.
Kathy hesitates because
she is so nervous.
CHARLOTTE
Well… Are you going to tell
me, or just stand there looking
like you’ve seen a ghost.
KATHY
This is big.
CHARLOTTE
C’mon, Kathy, everything you’ve
told me up to this point has been
big… How could this be any different?
KATHY
Okay.. here goes…
Charlotte gives her the
“I’m waiting” look.
KATHY
We didn’t call the cops.
Charlotte hesitates
several seconds.
CHARLOTTE
Huh?
KATHY
We didn’t call the cops.
This appears to be a scene
right out of their sitcom.
In fact, if it had been, the
audience would be thoroughly
engaged in laughter at the look
of Charlotte’s stunned expression
and blinking eyes.
KATHY
Char?
CHARLOTTE
(staring)
I’m thinking back to when I said
that I wish I didn’t know any of you.
KATHY
Well, I’m telling you the truth.
CHARLOTTE
(accepting)
Oh, no.. no.. No, that I believe, Kathy…
That I firmly believe… I totally
believe that you guys didn’t call
the cops, and do you wanna know why?
Cuz’ that would be the sensible thing
to do… And you guys aren’t sensible…
No, you guys are my bandmates…
And my bandmates are four lunatics…
My bandmates discover a dead body
and don’t call the authorities…
My bandmates do something else..
Where is that dead body now, Kathy?
KATHY
In the back yard.
Let’s laugh again at
Charlotte’s expression.
CHARLOTTE
In the back yard?
KATHY
Uh-huh.
Charlotte is making every
comedic expression known
to man.
CHARLOTTE
I see… (pauses) … And where,
exactly, is this dead body sitting?
Propped up in one of the lawn chairs?
KATHY
Uh, no, he’s buried.
CHARLOTTE
Ah, buried !! Well, at least you guys
did something right !! You buried
him ! Good for you ! I knew you
guys had some decency somewhere
inside you. You all did the decent
thing and buried the poor guy…
How respectful ! And, tell me, Kathy,
who did the digging? No, no, don’t
tell me.. let me guess.. I’ll bet it was
Gina… I can just picture her with a
shovel in her hand and dirt all over
her face. Am I right? And let me make
another wild guess… I’ll bet Belinda
stood off to the side and watched the
whole thing so she wouldn’t break a
nail.. Am I right? Did I get the whole
scenario?
KATHY
You got the Belinda thing right.
CHARLOTTE
Awww, isn’t that sweet? She is
such a darling… I just love her so..
Mmm, mmm, mmm, you guys
are such a treat… And so sophisticated
too. I mean, digging holes and
chucking dead bodies in them… Wow!
How did I ever get involved with
such a great group of ladies?
KATHY
(not buying it)
Alright, Charlotte, just cool it…
You’re one of us too.
CHARLOTTE
(long pause)
Yeah… Yeah, I guess I am…
And to think I wanted this kind
of a lifestyle at one time.
KATHY
(sarcastically)
You mean you don’t anymore?
CHARLOTTE
Kathy… seriously… how many
famous people… I mean, really
famous people — like us —
are doing this?
KATHY
Mmm, nobody.
CHARLOTTE
Exactly — nobody… No women..
on this entire planet… are as goofy..
and bizarre.. as we are.
KATHY
I know, but we’re so cute.
CHARLOTTE
(ignoring Kathy’s sarcasm)
So… Am I to assume that no one’s
ever going to find this body?
KATHY
We hope not.
CHARLOTTE
Really.
KATHY
We picked out a nice spot…
You’ll like it. It’s by a tree.
CHARLOTTE
(rolling her eyes)
Omigod.
KATHY
Charlotte.. look at the bright
side. We did this to save our
asses.
Charlotte gazes at Kathy.
KATHY
And we did… We’re still famous.
Not infamous.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah.. until one of the landscapers
decides he wants to re-sod.