70
Continued from previous page…
“Gina, I have to go up to my room for a second,” mentioned Jane.
“Oh, come on, everyone’s leaving me,” Gina complained.
“I’ll just be a few minutes, then I’ll be right back down,” explained Jane.
“Yeah, sure,” grumbled Gina.
“Oh, for God’s sake, Gina, you’re a grown woman. You can be alone for a few seconds,” Jane reminded her.
“Let’s smoke a joint when you get back,” suggested Gina.
“Yeah, yeah, good, we’ll do that,” ensured Jane, trying to hurry along the conversation.
“There’s some Lumbo in the cabinet,” Gina informed her.
“Oh, God, Gina, I don’t think anyone calls it Lumbo anymore,” Jane returned.
“I do,” said Gina. “By the way… where do you think Charlotte gets this stuff?” she asked, referring to the pot and the coke that was stashed away in the cupboard.
“I don’t know,” answered Jane, in a contemplative manner. “I’ve wondered that myself from time to time.”
“She sure is mysterious sometimes,” goaded Gina, rubbing her chin and acting a bit wily herself. She knew that something strange was going on by the way Jane was acting and was trying to coax it out of her.
“Yeah, she sure is,” Jane agreed. “I’ll be back in a sec,” she said as she turned to walk away.
“What are you going up there for, anyway?” Gina called out. She was still trying to get some information out of Jane and rattle her cage a little bit.
“I’m going up there to get my cigarettes,” Jane called back from the hallway.
Gina looked over to the spot where Jane was sitting at the kitchen table. Her cigarettes were lying there as plain as day.
“How dumb does she think I am?” Gina muttered to herself.
Jane trotted up the spiral staircase having no idea what she was doing, but sensing that something revealing was about to happen, nonetheless. When she got to the top of the stairs, she turned right, walked about twenty feet, then turned left to enter the main corridor. She put her hand on the wall as she walked, trying to judge exactly where Charlotte’s desk and her telephone might be situated. When she got to the spot where she estimated they might be, she foolishly acted like a twelve- year-old adolescent and pressed her ear against the wall to listen. After maneuvering around to find the right spot, she began to realize it was a futile effort. All of a sudden, she was both humiliated and bailed out at the same time by a voice from behind her.
“May I help you?” asked the voice.
It was Walter, the mansion’s head butler, inquiring about Jane’s actions in his sublime, British accent.
(Let’s pretend that he resembles Niles from The Nanny)
Even though it was a Saturday, Walter was formally dressed and carrying some fresh linens in his arms.
JANE
(startled)
Oh, jeez! Walter!
You scared me.
Don’t sneak up on
me like that.
WALTER
Miss Jane, if you’re trying
to listen in on whatever
it is that Charlotte is
doing in her room, I can
assure you, you won’t
accomplish it by pressing
your ear up against the wall.
JANE
(lying)
I wasn’t trying to
listen in on Charlotte.
WALTER
Then what were all
those creative gyrations
all about?… Practicing
some new form of yoga?
JANE
No.. I was listening
for… vibrations.
WALTER
Hmm, indeed… Well, if
you’re intent on checking
for vibrations, perhaps you
should try your own bedroom.
I believe you left your “vibrations”
on the nightstand next
to your bed.
JANE
Hey! I use that thing
for massage therapy!
I’m a very physically
active person, Walter.
WALTER
Yes, well, apparently it
must be in tip-top
shape because your “therapy”
last night nearly woke
up the entire house.
Jane has her
hands on her
hips and is giving
Walter a dumbfounded
look.
WALTER
Besides, it won’t do
you any good because
Miss Charlotte is not in her
room… She’s in the study.
JANE
The study? What’s
she doing in there?
WALTER
Not that this would be
anything you’re familiar
with, but I believe she was
checking out a reference book.
JANE
Hey, Walter, I read
too, ya’ know.
WALTER
Mmm.. Comic books?
JANE
Yeah.. sometimes…
Amongst other things.
WALTER
Yes, I’ve seen your other things.
I’m always so amazed at how
close the photographer can get
his camera next to their genitalia.
JANE
You know, Walter,
I don’t appreciate
you snoopin’ around
in my room.
WALTER
I was hardly snooping.
You leave these things
right out in the open for
anyone to see. The maids
spend more time in your
room than they spend in
all the other girl’s rooms
put together.
JANE
I just have to get
something that I
left in her room,
that’s all.
WALTER
My dear Jane.. You’re
not honestly thinking
about going into Miss Charlotte’s
room without her permission, are you?
She’s quite particular, you know.
JANE
Yeah, I know how particular
she is. One of these days,
she’s gonna particular
me right into the nuthouse…
Come on, Walter, be a pal..
I’ll only be a few minutes.
WALTER
Oh, alright…
I’ll go down to the end of the
hallway, and if I see her
coming, I’ll try and stall her.
JANE
Thanks, Walter,
you’re the best.
WALTER
(walking away)
My lips are sealed.
JANE
So are mine.
WALTER
Not last night they weren’t.
Jane slowly opened up the door to Charlotte’s bedroom, hoping that Charlotte wasn’t standing right there with her arms folded and staring directly at her. Not only would that verify that Walter’s information about her being in the study was all wrong, Jane also figured that would be typical of something that would happen to her. Jane entered the room and closed the door behind her. She immediately started scanning the entire room to make sure the coast was clear. Then she started opening up drawers and looking on top of things. She even checked under the bed. Unfortunately, she had absolutely no idea what she was looking for and knew she had only minutes to find whatever it was. Coming upon Charlotte’s main desk was her best option—
JANE
(whispering to herself)
What am I looking for?… Anything…
Anything that might give me a clue.
Anything that might give me the
key into her secret life…
Jane quickly surveyed the contents that sat on top of the desk. Nothing unusual: A cup full of pens and pencils, a Scotch tape dispenser, a stapler, a magnifying glass, some stationary, a small stack of letters—
JANE
Ahh, letters!
No luck. One of them was from the Palm Springs Policeman’s Benevolent Association, obviously looking for a donation, and the others were just some junk mail and an envelope full of coupons.
JANE
What does Charlotte
need coupons for?
Jane then spied Charlotte’s answering machine. It was blinking twice.
JANE
Aha ! Messages ! Do I dare listen
to them? No, I can’t, I can’t… I’m
already dead if she catches me in
here, but I’ll be doubly dead if she
catches me listening to her messages.
Jane didn’t have time to think about anything else. She suddenly heard a noise that sent shockwaves through her body. It was the sound of voices coming from outside Charlotte’s door! She could hear the handle unlatch itself, then she could hear both Charlotte and Walter’s voice. Walter was speaking exceptionally loud in order to alert Jane. Good ol’ Walter. What a trooper.
JANE
(screaming to herself)
OMIGOD!! OMIGOD!!
Jane’s only option was to run into the bathroom and hide behind the door. At that point, she could do nothing but pray.
JANE
(thinking to herself)
Oh, God, Oh, God, please don’t
let me get caught! I promise… I’ll
only break nine of the ten
commandments from now on…
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, well, thanks for the advise,
Walter, I’ll keep that in mind.
Charlotte closed the door while Walter was still talking.
CHARLOTTE
Whew! What was
that all about?
Jane could only stand there and wonder what Charlotte’s next move was. Her pessimism led her to believe that Charlotte was going to enter the bathroom and find her standing behind the door. It was only natural. Instead, Charlotte walked over to her desk and picked up the phone. Jane could hear her punching in the numbers. After a few seconds, she could hear Charlotte speak.
CHARLOTTE
Hey, Rocco,
it’s me, Charlotte…
Jane recognized
Rocco as being
Charlotte’s main
bodyguard. Jane
also knew that
Charlotte had many
other goons working
for her.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, I’m here at the mansion…
I’m gonna be here for awhile…
No, everything’s cool for now…
Yeah…. Yeah…. Hey, I need you to
do me a favor. I need you to go over
to my house and take care of my cat.
JANE
(thinking to herself)
Awww, isn’t that sweet…
Omigod,
I’m so dead, I’m so dead!!
CHARLOTTE
Just make sure she’s fed and pet her
once in a while, okay?… Yeah, her food’s
next to her dish in the kitchen… Then you
can help yourself to anything you want…
Yeah, you can drink my booze if you want.
Just don’t invite anyone else over… Think
you can handle that?… Good… Did you take
care of that other matter?
JANE
Matter? What other matter?
Omigod, I’m so dead, I’m so dead!!
CHARLOTTE
No, don’t bring him here! Are you nuts?!!
Take him over to the warehouse on 15th
Street. Then call me. I want him to feel
intimidated.
JANE
Warehouse?! What warehouse?!
I didn’t know we owned any warehouse!
Jeezus, Charlotte, who are you roughing up?
Omigod, I’m so dead, I’m so dead!! She’s
gonna come in here and find me. Then she’s
gonna have Rocco take ME to the warehouse!
CHARLOTTE
I don’t care if you
have to tie him up…
JANE
Tie him up?!! Tie him up?!!
Tie who up?!!
Oh, give me a name… Please!
Give me a name…
I need a name…
CHARLOTTE
Frankly, I don’t care if
you have to hold him
at gunpoint… Just bring
him over to the warehouse.
You got that?
JANE
HOLD HIM AT GUNPOINT? !!!
HOLD HIM AT GUNPOINT? !!!
GOOD LORD, CHARLOTTE, WHAT
KIND OF A MA BARKER ARE YOU? !!!
CHARLOTTE
Good… Okay…. Yeah, that sounds
perfect…. Okay, call me…. And take
care of my cat… Okay, fine… Goodbye.
Jane could hear Charlotte hang up the phone. She was sure that Charlotte would come into the bathroom now and catch her. To her unbelievable surprise, however, Charlotte left the room.
Jane waited a few seconds before emerging from behind the bathroom door. She desperately wanted to sprint for the hallway, but didn’t want to come out too soon. She waited for the perfect amount of time, then scurried out of Charlotte’s room unnoticed. It was a bloody miracle.
Jane went into her own bedroom and sat on the bed for the next several minutes. She felt like crying.
How could someone she thought she knew so intimately be living such a double life? How could Charlotte possibly be talking about taking someone to a warehouse and holding him at gunpoint?
“What do I do now?” Jane asked herself. “What can I say to her? How can I be required to keep a straight face?”
In the meantime, in typical, double-life fashion, Charlotte went downstairs like absolutely nothing was wrong and made herself another margarita.